Fall Daze and Motivation

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When the cold air chills, it is time to reflect.

I think about what I’ve done, and what I want to accomplish.

Here, 2 years ago, I was in Japan working and planning a life as a writer.

Due to reality, I have to merge my lifelong passion with teaching.

Don’t get me wrong, teaching is a lifelong passion of mine too.

Yet, I’ve done so much in terms of teaching and working with children.

Writing has always taken a back seat, and I can’t stand it!

Balancing life with two big goals is tough, but I must do what is best in the long run.

Progress

I completed all four of my tests for teaching, and applied to a college to complete some classes.

Now I wait while my application is in the wind.

I also applied for a few jobs. I do plan on applying for more jobs in other districts.

With this part of my life at a decent standstill, I now look towards my other passion, writing…

It is not easy to stay motivated.

I know I know, what is up with your writing!

I have to admit that I am a bit scatterbrain with many of my posts.

The idea is for you to look at these personal posts as an opening into my mind, my personal journal if you will.

It’s not polished, is what I’m basically trying to say.

So, about my motivation with writing…

I find it harder to stay with it than when I was in Japan.

You see, in Japan I worked from 10:30am to 7:30pm. I had zero energy during my work days.

On Saturday nights, I often slept around 1 or 2 in the morning after hanging out with friends, or washing my clothes. So by Sunday, I had personal time.

It’s really funny that, as tired as I was, and as much as I wanted to rest on my days off, I did the most work.

I would write for hours on Sundays, in a public cafe!

However, the time had nothing to do with my motivation, it was my mindset.

You see, as tired as I was, and as much as I didn’t like some aspects of my job in Japan, I was really happy.

Happy to be in Japan! Happy to be a classroom teacher, happy to have a social life and actual friends, happy to go out and meet people, even date (although I was always friend zoned :/ ).

Overall, I was really at peace.

Now that I am in America, I don’t have any of those things, and quite honestly, it disturbs my calm.

It makes it hard to get out of bed. I have way more days off than before due to my current job, and I still don’t write.

It is a rut I hope can just end.

I wish I could just say “be inspired dummy and go for your dream of writing!” but if you’ve ever dealt with anyone with certain mental illnesses, then you know it is a lot harder than just believing you can do it. You have to feel it inside out.

What I’m trying to say is that I feel like I’m in a daze. I have aspirations, but in my current mental state, I just can’t seem to shake off this sad feeling. It’s a heavy feeling. One that seems to keep me from doing too much.

Believe me, I am trying not to go in full despair mode! I am actively getting closer to getting my teaching certification. It’s just, with all my sad feelings, doing all of these tests, and preparations for my teaching cert., I just don’t have enough “energy” for anything else.

Have you ever felt this way?

Anywho, I hope a meditation app helps. I can’t really talk to others, they don’t seem to get it.

That’s ok, it’s my burden anyway.

I just hope that with a new job, it can give me some of what made me happy when I was in Japan. I’ll wait and see about that. Oh, and I’ll of course keep you posted.

Until then…

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Hello Mr. Sadness

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Dear Mr. Sadness,

Why did you have to choose me?  With so many poor helpless souls, you chose me.  You were here and there when I was 7 and came back around 9.  You pushed through my world at 11 and made me know for sure there was no such thing as true happiness.  Slowly filling my mind with desires of death.  It played over and over every day for years and years.

I remember when you were there suddenly without shame during the flag solute one day.  I cried and cried and yet no one could hear me.  Funny how people are there by your side, only to pity you right after.  Their pity then turns to annoyance at the sad girl.  What’s wrong with her? They’d say through their eyes.Well, it’s not my fault, it’s Mr. Sadness!

Just when I thought you left my life at 18, nope, you were there to stay.  You became bigger, eating all my hopes and joy.  You sucked me into the vortex of despair and I couldn’t see.  Hospital stays, and therapists galore, but nonetheless it didn’t help.

11 years later and I feel no different.  You will never leave me will you Mr. Sadness?  Will you always hide for a brief moment, giving me hope, just to come back?  Will I be strong enough to silence you forever?  I want that, I do, but it scares me.  We are one, you and I. You will never leave and that’s ok.  Try as I might, I’ll push you aside.  But I know the truth.  You will keep coming back, and one day….

Feelin’ Fine

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It has been over a month since I came back from Japan.  I have been filled with a ton of emotions.  To deal with them, I joined a gym for 6 weeks.  This will hopefully help with maintaining a schedule, plus reduce stress.  I have also limited my list of things I feel I need to accomplish.  For now I’m trying to take things slow.  It isn’t easy, but it’s something that needs to be done.  I can’t say I’m happy, but I can say I’m feelin’ fine.

Till then groovy people…

Readjusting and the Struggle

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Hello groovy people.  It has been a few weeks since I came back to New Jersey and I am busy!  Between working on personal things, I am also trying to find a job.  I started my Kickstarter project, but have very low expectations.  I have been looking at a few editors and places to work on my book.  However, things are at a weird standstill.  Nothing is set in stone, and I’m bored.  Life in New Jersey is very different from Tokyo.

In Tokyo, everything was accessible.  The train station was a five minute walk from my apartment, and it was very cheap to go to any of the other towns.  To get to New York cost $31!  There is literally nothing to do in my current town.  I find myself sleeping more, which is triggering old issues I’ve dealt with in the past.

Overall, I am trying to stay positive, but it is hard.  Although I am lucky to live with my family, and they are supportive, going from an independent woman, to a jobless mooch is hard.  The transition was not easy due to my last week in Japan being a perpetual hell.  Regardless, I will keep making myself get out of bed and complete all of my tasks.

Good news though.  I have recently started working on my fourth book.  It is more science fictiony.  A separate post will be about that book soon.

Until next time…

In the Meantime…Reflecting

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I like metaphors and symbolism.  This picture visually shows how my life is right now.  It’s empty, beautiful, lonely, clear, and without a true destination.  Who knows where that path ends!

I am so close to graduating college. I know I am on the right path, I know where I want to go, but for now there are unseen obstacles.  I may not get financial aide for the fall, I may not be able to go to Japan the month I want……..

We try to plan and prepare for everything, but just like this path, all we can see is what is there at the moment.  We can’t look that far ahead(literally and figuratively).

As for the empty and lonely part, I am taking this path by myself.  I have no romantic relationships, nor is anyone traveling with me when I do move to Japan. I will do this all on my own.  Even with support, I am physically alone.

Scary as it may be, this path is just beautiful.  There is some clarity in my mind at the moment.  My head seems clear now than ever because I am done with all my classes for my major.  I just need the fall semester and thats it.  For once in my insane life, I feel the pressure of college slowly lifting and being less than it was several years ago.

As I continue this path/journey…I hope that my goals will be fulfilled. I hope that one day I can come to a destination that I longed for.  I hope that I can also find love from another and not be so lonely.

Till then I look at this picture that represents me and keep walking….