Why did you have to choose me? With so many poor helpless souls, you chose me. You were here and there when I was 7 and came back around 9. You pushed through my world at 11 and made me know for sure there was no such thing as true happiness. Slowly filling my mind with desires of death. It played over and over every day for years and years.
I remember when you were there suddenly without shame during the flag solute one day. I cried and cried and yet no one could hear me. Funny how people are there by your side, only to pity you right after. Their pity then turns to annoyance at the sad girl. What’s wrong with her? They’d say through their eyes.Well, it’s not my fault, it’s Mr. Sadness!
Just when I thought you left my life at 18, nope, you were there to stay. You became bigger, eating all my hopes and joy. You sucked me into the vortex of despair and I couldn’t see. Hospital stays, and therapists galore, but nonetheless it didn’t help.
11 years later and I feel no different. You will never leave me will you Mr. Sadness? Will you always hide for a brief moment, giving me hope, just to come back? Will I be strong enough to silence you forever? I want that, I do, but it scares me. We are one, you and I. You will never leave and that’s ok. Try as I might, I’ll push you aside. But I know the truth. You will keep coming back, and one day….
It has been over a month since I came back from Japan. I have been filled with a ton of emotions. To deal with them, I joined a gym for 6 weeks. This will hopefully help with maintaining a schedule, plus reduce stress. I have also limited my list of things I feel I need to accomplish. For now I’m trying to take things slow. It isn’t easy, but it’s something that needs to be done. I can’t say I’m happy, but I can say I’m feelin’ fine.
Hello groovy people. It has been a few weeks since I came back to New Jersey and I am busy! Between working on personal things, I am also trying to find a job. I started my Kickstarter project, but have very low expectations. I have been looking at a few editors and places to work on my book. However, things are at a weird standstill. Nothing is set in stone, and I’m bored. Life in New Jersey is very different from Tokyo.
In Tokyo, everything was accessible. The train station was a five minute walk from my apartment, and it was very cheap to go to any of the other towns. To get to New York cost $31! There is literally nothing to do in my current town. I find myself sleeping more, which is triggering old issues I’ve dealt with in the past.
Overall, I am trying to stay positive, but it is hard. Although I am lucky to live with my family, and they are supportive, going from an independent woman, to a jobless mooch is hard. The transition was not easy due to my last week in Japan being a perpetual hell. Regardless, I will keep making myself get out of bed and complete all of my tasks.
Good news though. I have recently started working on my fourth book. It is more science fictiony. A separate post will be about that book soon.
I like metaphors and symbolism. This picture visually shows how my life is right now. It’s empty, beautiful, lonely, clear, and without a true destination. Who knows where that path ends!
I am so close to graduating college. I know I am on the right path, I know where I want to go, but for now there are unseen obstacles. I may not get financial aide for the fall, I may not be able to go to Japan the month I want……..
We try to plan and prepare for everything, but just like this path, all we can see is what is there at the moment. We can’t look that far ahead(literally and figuratively).
As for the empty and lonely part, I am taking this path by myself. I have no romantic relationships, nor is anyone traveling with me when I do move to Japan. I will do this all on my own. Even with support, I am physically alone.
Scary as it may be, this path is just beautiful. There is some clarity in my mind at the moment. My head seems clear now than ever because I am done with all my classes for my major. I just need the fall semester and thats it. For once in my insane life, I feel the pressure of college slowly lifting and being less than it was several years ago.
As I continue this path/journey…I hope that my goals will be fulfilled. I hope that one day I can come to a destination that I longed for. I hope that I can also find love from another and not be so lonely.
Till then I look at this picture that represents me and keep walking….