When the cold air chills, it is time to reflect.

I think about what I’ve done, and what I want to accomplish.

Here, 2 years ago, I was in Japan working and planning a life as a writer.

Due to reality, I have to merge my lifelong passion with teaching.

Don’t get me wrong, teaching is a lifelong passion of mine too.

Yet, I’ve done so much in terms of teaching and working with children.

Writing has always taken a back seat, and I can’t stand it!

Balancing life with two big goals is tough, but I must do what is best in the long run.

…

Progress

I completed all four of my tests for teaching, and applied to a college to complete some classes.

Now I wait while my application is in the wind.

I also applied for a few jobs. I do plan on applying for more jobs in other districts.

With this part of my life at a decent standstill, I now look towards my other passion, writing…

It is not easy to stay motivated.

I know I know, what is up with your writing!

I have to admit that I am a bit scatterbrain with many of my posts.

The idea is for you to look at these personal posts as an opening into my mind, my personal journal if you will.

It’s not polished, is what I’m basically trying to say.

So, about my motivation with writing…

I find it harder to stay with it than when I was in Japan.

You see, in Japan I worked from 10:30am to 7:30pm. I had zero energy during my work days.

On Saturday nights, I often slept around 1 or 2 in the morning after hanging out with friends, or washing my clothes. So by Sunday, I had personal time.

It’s really funny that, as tired as I was, and as much as I wanted to rest on my days off, I did the most work.

I would write for hours on Sundays, in a public cafe!

However, the time had nothing to do with my motivation, it was my mindset.

You see, as tired as I was, and as much as I didn’t like some aspects of my job in Japan, I was really happy.

Happy to be in Japan! Happy to be a classroom teacher, happy to have a social life and actual friends, happy to go out and meet people, even date (although I was always friend zoned ).

Overall, I was really at peace.

Now that I am in America, I don’t have any of those things, and quite honestly, it disturbs my calm.

It makes it hard to get out of bed. I have way more days off than before due to my current job, and I still don’t write.

It is a rut I hope can just end.

I wish I could just say “be inspired dummy and go for your dream of writing!” but if you’ve ever dealt with anyone with certain mental illnesses, then you know it is a lot harder than just believing you can do it. You have to feel it inside out.

What I’m trying to say is that I feel like I’m in a daze. I have aspirations, but in my current mental state, I just can’t seem to shake off this sad feeling. It’s a heavy feeling. One that seems to keep me from doing too much.

Believe me, I am trying not to go in full despair mode! I am actively getting closer to getting my teaching certification. It’s just, with all my sad feelings, doing all of these tests, and preparations for my teaching cert., I just don’t have enough “energy” for anything else.

Have you ever felt this way?

Anywho, I hope a meditation app helps. I can’t really talk to others, they don’t seem to get it.

That’s ok, it’s my burden anyway.

I just hope that with a new job, it can give me some of what made me happy when I was in Japan. I’ll wait and see about that. Oh, and I’ll of course keep you posted.

Until then…