Hello Groovy People
The following is a really personal post. My deepest inner thoughts. I may delete it, but since I have such a small following, I may allow it to stay.
When I originally left Japan I did so with becoming a writer on my mind. The goal was to work a regular 9-5 that did not require much mental input so that I could dedicate my energy fully to writing. The job would more so act like a safety net, providing me with an income while I went for my dream.
However, my insecurities and my inability to tune out others led me to pursue teaching. Basically when I published Journey’s End, I spent some money on a spot in BookCon. The idea was that my book would be among the best and be seen! When I finally went to BookCon, I realized that my book was in a section that no one went to, and my lack of understanding marketing led me to believe that I could never compete in the writing world.
So defeated I looked at other options. It also didn’t help that I could not find an office job. So back to subbing I went. People close to me suggested getting a real job and so I planned on going back to school. Subbing, as wonderful as it can be, was not paying my bills, nor was it a decent income with healthcare.
Are you confused yet? I sure was. I was so ready to be fully dedicated to writing, but seeing my book in the back of a huge expo with other titles no one bothered to read was crushing. I felt that I had to go for a job that could sustain me. Yet, my plan was to stop teaching all together. I think the issue is that I give up too easy. I give in too easy. I’ve been conditioned to get a career in teaching because it pays the bills and has healthcare. But I don’t want to teach! Not anymore at least. At one time, yes, I did want to teach. But at this time in my life, I want to change gears.
I am constantly trying, desperately, to please others. To do what is acceptable by society, and the people around me. But what I really want to tell people is that:
Teaching was great and I’ve done it for over 10 years! I may have not been a traditional teacher, but I taught. I am exhausted, I am done and I want to focus on my first love, writing!
But, people don’t get this. They don’t accept this. They think that my thoughts, my desires, my true intentions are unrealistic. Yes, I can certainly fall flat on my face. But until I truly live for myself and try my best, how can I know? How can anyone know? I think I’ve gone through so much hell because I was not fully honest with those around me, or myself.
I think the biggest reason why I don’t say how I feel is because I fear rejection. Rejection in the form of people judging me, telling me I am not realistic. Or they misunderstand my words altogether.
But I am so tired of doing what I think is right for everyone else. Can I be honest? I loved teaching and always will love teaching. But after 10 years of my own version of teaching, I am tired. I no longer feel a passion for it like I used to. Writing has been something that consumed me as a child and I let it go for a more realistic and conventional life. Unlike most people, I truly see the reality of this one life. I don’t want to waste anymore time by pushing my love of writing to the side.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that teaching is what I used to be, but being a writer is me too. Now I want to be fully committed. I want to take classes on writing and seek out agents and publishers. I want to make my dream a reality. Hell, I made living in Japan a reality. I am teaching in a class now due to my determination. I want to say the same for my writing.
My purpose is not just teaching, but writing as well. But the sad part is that I can never say this. Not without the rejection of others. So I’ll do it alone, in secret, in my own way.