Why did you have to choose me? With so many poor helpless souls, you chose me. You were here and there when I was 7 and came back around 9. You pushed through my world at 11 and made me know for sure there was no such thing as true happiness. Slowly filling my mind with desires of death. It played over and over every day for years and years.
I remember when you were there suddenly without shame during the flag solute one day. I cried and cried and yet no one could hear me. Funny how people are there by your side, only to pity you right after. Their pity then turns to annoyance at the sad girl. What’s wrong with her? They’d say through their eyes.Well, it’s not my fault, it’s Mr. Sadness!
Just when I thought you left my life at 18, nope, you were there to stay. You became bigger, eating all my hopes and joy. You sucked me into the vortex of despair and I couldn’t see. Hospital stays, and therapists galore, but nonetheless it didn’t help.
11 years later and I feel no different. You will never leave me will you Mr. Sadness? Will you always hide for a brief moment, giving me hope, just to come back? Will I be strong enough to silence you forever? I want that, I do, but it scares me. We are one, you and I. You will never leave and that’s ok. Try as I might, I’ll push you aside. But I know the truth. You will keep coming back, and one day….
It has been over a month since I came back from Japan. I have been filled with a ton of emotions. To deal with them, I joined a gym for 6 weeks. This will hopefully help with maintaining a schedule, plus reduce stress. I have also limited my list of things I feel I need to accomplish. For now I’m trying to take things slow. It isn’t easy, but it’s something that needs to be done. I can’t say I’m happy, but I can say I’m feelin’ fine.
Hello groovy people. It has been a few weeks since I came back to New Jersey and I am busy! Between working on personal things, I am also trying to find a job. I started my Kickstarter project, but have very low expectations. I have been looking at a few editors and places to work on my book. However, things are at a weird standstill. Nothing is set in stone, and I’m bored. Life in New Jersey is very different from Tokyo.
In Tokyo, everything was accessible. The train station was a five minute walk from my apartment, and it was very cheap to go to any of the other towns. To get to New York cost $31! There is literally nothing to do in my current town. I find myself sleeping more, which is triggering old issues I’ve dealt with in the past.
Overall, I am trying to stay positive, but it is hard. Although I am lucky to live with my family, and they are supportive, going from an independent woman, to a jobless mooch is hard. The transition was not easy due to my last week in Japan being a perpetual hell. Regardless, I will keep making myself get out of bed and complete all of my tasks.
Good news though. I have recently started working on my fourth book. It is more science fictiony. A separate post will be about that book soon.